You will always be in my thoughts

I was looking the pictures in my laptop one night and saw this picture of me and my late granfather. He has been gone for a little over a year now but I still find it hard to accept that he's left us. He was a man of few words but has a strong presence amongst us.

I think of him often. It is natural that you would think of his goodness and the things he has done and how much more sensitive and appreciative you could have been towards him when he was still with us. But that only shows that I have perhaps like the others, took him for granted more often than appreciating him.

It is the first time that I lost a loved one. I cannot even begin to imagine going through eventual similar experiences as time catches up on us and the Lord calls for us home. But that is life. There is a beginning and an end. We have to make the best of what happens in between.

Cherish those who ARE with you now, instead of realizing what you missed and thinking about them all the time after they are gone. You should be thinking about them when they are still here, when you can see them, talk to them, hold them and tell them how much you love them. Be alert and aware. Time waits for no man. Live with love in your life.

Self-knowledge cannot be gathered through anybody

Jiddu Krishnamurti:

That is why it is important, as I said, to understand the process, the ways of our own thinking. Self-knowledge cannot be gathered through anybody, through any book, through any confession, psychology, or psychoanalyst. It has to be found by yourself, because it is your life; and without the widening and deepening of that knowledge of the self, do what you will, alter any outward or inward circumstances, influences - it will ever be a breeding ground of despair, pain, sorrow. To go beyond the self-enclosing activities of the mind, you must understand them; and to understand them is to be aware of action in relationship, relationship to things, to people, and to ideas. In that relationship, which is the mirror, we begin to see ourselves, without any justification or condemnation; and from that wider and deeper knowledge of the ways of our own mind, it is possible to proceed further; then it is possible for the mind to be quiet, to receive that which is real. - Ojai 4th Public Talk 24th July 1949 Collected Works, Volume 4

Some random thoughts reflected in a famous quote

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it around carefully with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will be become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

C.S Lewis

Visiting Princess Dyanna

It has been a while since I last posted on my blog. Many things have happened but I couldn't bring myself to type it out on the computer. Work has been crazy eversince I returned from my personal and office trip last month and I haven't been training aikido for about 3 weeks now. Not a happy camper. But that is how it is in life, you CAN'T have it all. Hahahaha.

Now to something very joyous.

My buddy Chin gave birth her first child last week and is blessed with a beautiful princess by the name of Dyanna H. Chin said I will be D's chinese godmother so I get to speak Mandarin to her. I arrived at about 8:45pm last night and Chin was breastfeeding D. D looks so adorable with that head of hair and glazed eyes. Chin the mother looks gorgeous and glowing for a mother who's just given birth. You know how they are usually, tired and haggard form all that labour and delivery and endless feeding sessions as well as inadequate sleep. But I don't see any of that from Chin! I think all moms should look like that!

Seeing D made my maternal instincts come back with force. I had wanted very much to hold little D in my arms but is afraid that I won't do it right. So godma will wait until you're a little bit bigger before I hold you. Needless to say seeing you little D makes me want to have a child! Sigh. But of course, I quickly tell myself that God has plans for me.

This picture was taken after I obtained consent from Chin. D had just finished an hour long feeding session and is looking perky indeed. She kept giving that pouting look and I was wondering whether she was still looking for milk. Chin put her finger on the side of D's lips and if D follows that means D wants milk. D did not follow Chin's finger. Not looking for milk.

I took a few more pictures but stopped soon after because I didn't like the fact that the red focus light kept shining on D's face whenever I was about to take a picture. I did manage to take a picture of D's smile though! She looks alot like her mommy here.

I will see you soon little D. Drink lots of milk and sleep lots. Love you!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all celebrants.

I won't be celebrating Father's Day this year. My father is in East Timor and unreachable as he is up in the mountains. My maternal grandpa is having his own party with the Lord. But I did wish him Happy Father's Day and gave him a kiss on his forehead :-)

Many thoughts are running through my head which I will not articulate here.

It is enough to know that I love you.

Can't get you out of my head

How should I put this?

I haven't felt this way for a long long time.
I couldn't stop thinking about the time we spent together.
I long for your company and embrace.

Hmmm...I think something is going on here, something that is not logical neither is it tangible. But I am pretty sure that something is going on.